Results Oriented Funny Sales Rep


We seek: a dynamic, witty, hungry, tenacious rep who makes things happen.
ALSO he/she does not know what EXCUSES are!

NOTE: We have yet to hire a sales rep  - you would be the first. Are YOU the one?

We have an original, edgy, hilarious product. Can you convince companies like
Spencer’s Gifts, Adam and Eve, Good Vibrations, Hot Topic, BevMo, and other
national Party stores to carry it on their shelves?

We are a fortune cookie brand. Well, more like an ANTI-fortune cookie brand.  
ILLFORTUNE.NET, “fortune cookies for the brave” are NOT the typical predictable
ones you pick up at a restaurant. These illicit shock from the funny and absurdist
wit they bring! We are a perfect product for people who love surprise and want to
escape the mundane.

Imagine opening a cookie and reading something like…

-  Prozac is planning a long term relationship with you.
-  The voices in your head think you’re an idiot.
-  Diapers will be part of your daily regimen and you won’t be the one
changing them.
- Your pet is planning to eat you.

Go to our site and witness people loving our product.
illfortune.net

Then read what the media says about us.
http://www.illfortune.net/press

Then send us a cover letter/resume telling us why our product/company speaks to
you. Be specific and be original. DO NOT send us a cookie cutter cover letter.

email: cookie@illfortune.net

Seeking DAILY SHOW / COLBERT REPORT Minded Videographer/Director

- Experience shooting and directing clips
- Vivid Imagination and Dry Sense of Humor
- Must possess equipment (camera, lighting, etc)
- Clear understanding of our brand and what we want to accomplish
- Bonus: You have access to a stable of actors you enjoy working with

TONE: Deadpan. clinical. Think mock news style.

We are looking to shoot a series of mock news pieces covering a new product
making outrageous medical claims. The claims are impossibly absurd….i.e.
Once consumed, a cookie can regenerate liver tissue in minutes or inflate a
punctured lung. We’re seeking talent as well - looking for a reporter to
interview test subjects who are serious as well about the dramatic life
changing medical improvements they have experienced from eating a new
miracle cure cookie.

compensation: $100 - $150 per shoot.

email: cookie@illfortune.net

Twitter War: Cookie Vs. Curry Up Now

Cookie is a big fan of food trucks. The affair between Cookie and Food Trucks started in NYC, 53rd and 6th Ave. This one halal truck makes the best platter. It gets Cookie’s tummy rumbling..

Sadly though, Cookie is locked up in Founder’s basement. Slaving away and writing twisted fortunes. Funny enough, Cookie secretly sneaks on to twitter and found a friend.

@CurryUpNow

Quite honestly it started out as a war, they claimed fries were sexy? Have they seen “Super Size Me”? I’m sure Morgan Spurlock would disagree with Curry Up Now. But Morgan thought Cookie was sexy. (Picture below to prove it) No one in their right mind (including cookie) would put “sexy” in front of fries. Cookie called this fool out! It was a great war. The fries can’t compete to Cookie’s calorie count (only 30 calories) Plus Cookie has no saturated or trans fat.

But in all seriousness, Cookie is secretly a fan of Curry Up Now. They make great dishes for you working folks on the go. Keep in mind it’s not every day Cookie says nice things. Cookie just found out they have a new restaurant called The Dosa Republic. That’s clever. Cookies likes a creative mind.

Visit Curry Up Now site. Support Cookie’s favorite food truck! Make some noise.

Ever Dream of Working For a Cookie?

Cookie hates Mondays, the first day of the work week. Cookie had good weekend. Cookie went around to pubs, threw myself at people, made people laugh, made people cry with Cookie iLL Fortunes. Cookie even pranked a Mom! Score!  Very productive.

Now ready for some exciting news? Come work for Cookie! The iLLFortune fam is looking for a few good videographers, directors and illustrators

points are elaborated below. Please click, read on. Reach out to Cookie’s no good (ok…she’s actually quite nice… too nice sometimes which makes her no good) assistant Peta - Peta@illfortune.net. Send drawing samples, reels (no attachments - links please) and cover letters to her.

iLL luck to all of your talented cookie lovers out there.

Seeking PUNK’D Minder Videographer/Director

- Experience shooting and directing clips
- Vivid Imagination and Crazy Sense of Humor
- Must own camera package (camera, lighting, HD preferred but not required)
- Has own transportation
- The type of person who can walk up to anyone and strike up a conversation
- Clear understanding of our brand and what we want to accomplish

> We’re a twisted startup looking for a twisted Director/Videographer who has a creative approach to directing surveillance style footage. Think PUNK’D.

We have various type of pranks that we want to run in public spaces ranging from subtle and subdued in tone to loud and outrageous scenes that really grab the attention of all people in the space. On the more subtle side, we also want to capture people’s reactions to reading something shocking like a twisted fortune cookie without knowing that they’re being caught on camera.

We want to produce our own flash mobs. Imagine bringing your ideas and directing a flashmob of people to follow your every twisted command! The wackier the better!!!

The ideal collaborator is…COLLABORATIVE. You have great ideas as to how to shoot these scenes BECAUSE you’re both creative and you love the project. You see how crazy we are and want to be involved with crazy creatives.

Think PUNK’D or anything Sacha Baron Cohen has done ( Ali G, Borat or Bruno) or remember Tom Green? We want to mess with people creating a hilarious and sometimes uncomfortable environment. Is this something that gets you amped? If yes, we wanna hear from you.

ILLuStRator emulating the style of Steadman or Sendak 

- You should be able to list your favorite graphic and comic novels backwards and forwards
- A crazy and vivid imagination
- Can quickly analyze a story pitch and have the drawing warp into your mind
- Previous storyboard skills preferred
- Great story and presentation skills
- Bold, Daring and not afraid to voice your ideas
- Can capture every single compelling detail

The iLLustrator we’re looking for has an edgy style with a distinct look. This comic is crazy edgy and not at all for uptight conservatives - young audience and we’re confident that we will gain a strong internet based following. Put it this way: The main character is not so balanced.

The artists who appeal most in terms of style for this comic are Dave McKean, Ralph Steadman, Maurice Sendak and Mark Eastbrook (http://www.markeastbrook.co.uk/markeastbrook_gallery.html) OK yeah, so there’s a range here but the point is if these artists have influenced you and your style is similar at all to one or more…well we wanna talk to you!

We are a collaborative team and expect nothing less from you! We want your wacky ideas and to be able to show off your work on a weekly basis our strip! The crazier you are… the better. Just not crazy in a flaky way ;) Or else we will have to get our alien to probe you (kidding…) but you should have a fine balance of work ethnic and humor! We love that.

This is an urban theme based story - we will start in San Francisco but our characters will travel to other cities (LA, NY, etc.) and we will be implementing a hybrid style of photography and illustration -


We’re a start-up and have a low budget $75 for a weekly comic ($300/month). If this is insulting we understand. Just laugh and move on.

For you shy folk….

Once upon a time, Cookie was a shy Cookie. Believe it or not. Cookie had a hard time getting laid. Until my dark twisted humor took over Cookie’s folds. I was getting more pootang in an hour than you probably do in a night!

Cookie will paint you a picture.

It’s Saturday Night. You are a single chick or bloke. You are kicking it with your friends. You were SMART enough to buy me and bring me along in your pocket or purse (whatever floats your boat, I don’t give a crap). You see this object of your affection walk into the bar. You want to approach this hottie, but you can’t because you’re shy.

Cookie understands. But remember the Cookie code of honor - EVERYONE LOVES A COOKIE. Especially a fortune cookie - I do have to give my boring Chinese cousin props for that. He gives Cookie a good reputation.

Now here’s where you can get creative. Slip your number INSIDE Cookie. That’s right. Do you know what people do with business cards? They use the cards to spit out their gum. This is a clever way to get your number out. As mean as Cookie is, I’m very sweet and tasty!

Don’t be shy. Try it. Cookie is not responsible for any STD or women getting knocked up. So play it safe. Cookie wouldn’t suggest using Cookie as a condom. Cookie break easily.

Cookie named “Number One April Fools Gag 2k12”

When Cookie was just a pancake before Cookie got folded, Cookie had big dreams of going to Hollywood and becoming a star. Cookie got Jackie Chan ninja star moves! Cookie can make heroines cry with Cookie’s fortunes.

Urban Desi Radio named Cookie "Number One April Fools Gag" for 2012!

Thanks Urban Desi Radio!

Cookie Makes the Perfect April Fools Gag…

Let’s face it. I’m small, cute and no one can resist a fortune cookie.

You can use me to get a date. The way to someone’s mouth is through their sweet tooth. Don’t believe that stomach bullsh*t!

You can use me to get back at an enemy. For every enemy of yours that touches Cookie’s fortune suffers eternal ill fortune. (saves you money from hiring a hitman)

You can use me to prank. Consider yourself the next Ashton Kutcher? Pick up your camera. Put me in your backpack (careful not to crush me —- no one likes a crushed cookie!) and let’s prank the hell out of people. 

5. Take me to your favorite cafe, bar or restaurant. Randomly pick a vict..err person and say “here’s a cookie!” you might get a weird look, but shrug it off and walk away. Cookie is not responsible if the person tries to kill you.

4. Work in a big office? Perfect. Cookie fits nicely in people’s personal inboxes (Cookie talking about the old fashion ones - not email boxes (cyber cookies coming soon!) sit back and watch your unexpected coworkers open me up!

3. Buy a box “in bed” with a group of your friends. My boring cousin (the typical fortune cookies you get at a Chinese restaurant) taught me this game. You say “in bed” at the end of the fortune. To make things even more interesting. You can say “in bed” before the fortune and follow it with “under the sheets” after the fortune.

2. Screw the apples. Give your Professor a fortune cookie. Again Cookie not responsible for a failing grade.

1. This one might require a little work, but it’s doable. Going to your favorite Chinese restaurant? Before the server brings out my boring cousin, I stress BORING! Hand me over to the server and tell the server just to serve me to you vict…errr friends/family. They won’t know what hit them!

Ready to prank? I’m ready for you to order ME!

The Kinky Cookie Files

Cookie is a sexy beast. Cookie gets around. People like to eat cookie out, put Cookie on tatas and invite Cookie over for some threesome action. Cookie isn’t bragging. Look at the pictures below… you can get a piece of Cookie too ;)

Cookie getting eaten out

Cookie on tatas

Threesome action!

Cookie is ready for April Fools Day!! But is April Fools Day ready for cookie? Time to stock up and start playing pranks ;)